You have probably read several boating magazine articles on how to winterize your outboard, diesel engine, freshwater system, head, air conditioning, and so on. But what about the captain? Doesn’t the captain need some winterization to keep him in shape throughout the long, dark winter? Of course he does. If you haven’t made arrangements for laying up the captain, he may get rusty and stiffen up, freeze up, or in the worst-case scenario, sink (into a post-boating depression, that is). The following tips and tricks should be utilized to keep the captain happy and healthy until it’s time to take off that shrinkwrap and splash the boat in the spring.
Storage on the Hard
About mid-winter, having not been in the water for a while, the captain will eventually dry out, which is generally not a good thing. Special care must be taken to make sure the captain’s “hull” does not sag or distort while confined to the hard. Seek out a solution that provides adequate support and will not cause dents or scratches in the captain’s delicate finish. A leather Barcalounge or a La-Z-Boy is ideal for this purpose. If the captain has an especially broad beam or water-line length, other options, such as reclining loveseat or sectional sofa, should be considered.
Antifreeze
Make sure you have laid in an adequate supply of Captain Morgan and Budweiser to keep the pipes from freezing when the thermometer dips below the freezing mark. Also consider Makers Mark, Gray Goose, and Patron. The best practice is to fill up a 16-ounce glass container on November 1 and check fluid levels continuously until April 15 or so. Top off when the levels drop below 50 percent.
Batteries
The captain’s batteries are sure to run down over the long winter, so steps must be taken to top off the charge every so often. This is especially true for older captains because their batteries don’t hold a charge for very long. Each captain is different, so the recharging may be different whether he is a cranking or deep cycle sort. Many captains get recharged by watching football, going to the movies, or going out to dinner. Some captains need to do all of these things in order to stay charged until the spring. Ask your captain what works for him and get to it!
Dealing With Boat Odors
At some point the captain’s closet might start to smell like the boat, and it’s probably because he has brought the boat shoes home from the stateroom closet. Be they Sperry or Top-Sider, after eight or 10 summers sporting them with no socks, they will start to, let’s say, make themselves known to anyone within about 30 feet of the closet. So, what to do? The captain is loath to give them up because “they are just getting broken in.” I have developed a sure-fire test to determine when to toss them and buy some new ones. *Note that, despite his protestations, the captain is NOT the best judge of this.
Level of Stink To Keep or Replace:
- Gym locker: Keep
- Litter box: Keep
- Spoiled milk: Keep
- Limburger: Keep
- Garbage scow: Keep
- Swamp gas: Replace (maybe)
Stabilizer
The captain must be stabilized to make it through the long, cold winter. Many captains suffer from a condition known as “NO BOAT Syndrome.” (Not-OK, Bored, Out-of-Sorts, And Tired). Any or all of the following procedures will help stabilize the captain and avoid institutionalization.
- Every once in a while prop him up on a bar stool, have him grasp a dinner plate at 10 and two, and splash water in his face while rocking the stool back and forth and blasting him in the face with your blow dryer on the highest setting.
- Hang him upside down in a laundry chute and blow hot air up the chute with a space heater. Hand him a flashlight, a socket wrench (with a 10 mm socket attached), and a screwdriver and come back in about an hour to help him climb out. Bonus points if he doesn’t lose the 10 mm socket.
- Go on Amazon and buy a jar of dead mayflies, strew them around the kitchen floor and, using a rolling pin, smush them into the linoleum. Hand him a brush and a spray bottle of Formula 409. Come back from time to time and helpfully point out the ones he missed.
- Empty all the ice cubes from the freezer and hide his car keys. Tell him you are out of ice for your gin and tonic and suggest that the Wawa a half-mile mile away has lots of ice.
- Disconnect the cable from the television and hook it up to rabbit ears. Try to watch your favorite show through the snow on the screen.
- Place an empty refrigerator box at the head of your bed and sleep for a week with your feet hanging off the bottom of the mattress.
- When the Captain is backing into the driveway, blindfold him and assist his effort by yelling commands like “left,” “right,” “stop,” etc. at the top of your lungs.
- Flush a disposable diaper down the powder room toilet and send him in to unclog things armed with a pair of rubber gloves and a coat hanger.
By taking these very simple steps your captain is assured of making it through the winter no worse for wear and he will be ready come springtime to once more hit the waves with a renewed enthusiasm and energy.
By Gary Armstrong